How to climb an elephant in sock feet

Here are some things I learned about how to climb up onto a 51 year old elephant in sock feet. (That would be my sock feet, not the elephant's. I didn't think of bringing any socks for him. Besides, I didn't have room enough in my suitcase. Even for the socks.)

1. You first have to abandon all sense of pride or self-worth.
2. Although you're instructed to remove your shoes, keep your socks on. (We had just spotted a cobra not 100 yards away. Socks may help in case of attack. Depends how long you've been wearing them.)
3. If you have enough friends around, it makes the whole task of getting up there just a little bit easier. (You have to trust that they have no ulterior motives when they handle your body in unusual ways.)
4. To help you climb up, you're not allowed to use the rope that you see around the beast's neck. (I believe that rule was established on the spot, just for me, to provide more joy for my friends.)
5. The elephant is very intelligent because it understands (although it cannot speak) Malayalam. (That came as a real surprise to me. I've only seen an elephant respond to English commands, albeit a somewhat spicy variety at times. Not even I, as a semi intelligent human being, have the slightest understanding of Malayalam, nor can I conceive of anyone else understanding it. Further proof that I had to leave my ego with my shoes in the bush.)
6. The mahout will shout the appropriate commands to the elephant, telling it to lift its leg into such a position that allows you to imagine there might be a sort of stairway there. (It's actually hard to imagine, but that's what they told me. Don't take too long at this stage because there are now several tons of body mass suspended on just three legs instead of four, and if the beast happens to lose its balance, you know which ways it's going to fall!)
7. To help you climb this thing, first you have to hang onto its earlobe, then as you progress, the top of its ear. (I hurt for the poor beast as I thought of 190 pounds of pretty dead weight suspended on its ear. Earings would have helped with the footing.)
8. Elephants do not wear earings.
9. Once you're up past the top of the ear, there's nothing but two large smooth bumps on the top of its head to grab on to in order to pull yourself up the rest of the way. (And at this stage your friends can't reach you any more, so you're on your own.)
10. Once you're comfortably settled onto the elephant's shoulders you are now permitted to hang onto the rope. (That's a good feeling.)
11. There are no seat belts.
12. Do not wear tight pants. (Unless you want to have two half pairs going home. You're practically doing the splits up there.)
13. Hold on tight and try to remain loose. (Because with each step it takes, your new elevated seat on the beast's shoulders disappears beneath you one side at a time.)
14. It would make the whole process a lot easier if you weren't laughing so hard, so try to concentrate and keep a straight face. (Besides, I failed to notice the elephant laughing. Also a good feeling.)
15. Once you're up there, you feel like a king. (Despite the sock feet and laughter coming up from the commoners below.)
16. Once you dismount (that means slide down) the elephant, run fast. (You have a very large beast with a sore ear behind you.)